The Valentine Post

Yeah, well it's that time of the year again when entire industries make extra loads of cash on people's commercialized sense of sentimentality. Flower shops, greeting card companies, fine dining restaurants, jewelry shops, movie houses, motels and hotels - they all just love it when Valentine's Day comes around! Why wouldn't they? I mean, people these days are so damn busy that they've become more than willing to unload wads of cash just to remind their "significant others" that, even with the 18-hour 7-day work week, they still have that burning romantic yearning inside of them. That's all good - especially if you put in the right kind of music to enhance the Valentine mood.

Now I'm no expert on the affairs of the heart. (Hell, I'm not even an expert on the affairs of any other body part!) But, if I may be so bold to suggest, the following songs may just be the ones to really "complete" your Valentine moments (doesn't it seem sininster that I put quotation marks on the word complete?):

1. My Funny Valentine

This old chestnut has been covered by a host of many legendary artists. It's a somewhat melancholic piece that has its origins from the 1937 Rogers and Hart musical "Babes In Arms". I honestly don't know what that musical is all about, but judging from what I can seem to remember from the song's lyrics, "My Funny Valentine" strikes me as a song for a circus clown or a washed-up stand-up comic. Ladies, if you're going on a Valentine's date with any of the two types of previously mentioned people, this is the song that should be playing while he is performing the Heimlich Maneuver on you because you choked on a huge chunk of beef while you were laughing so hard at one of his racially-charged jokes.

2. Be My Number Two by Joe Jackson

Obviously, a song for a guy who has to take more than one lady out on a date on Valentine's night. If the guy is married, then he better make sure that he's properly insured. Otherwise, if the missus finds out, he's gonna need to borrow someone else's dick for the rest of his life.

3. Love Stinks by The J. Geils Band

Ah, just the song to have in the background when, after just being dumped by your no-good partner, you walk into a nice little restaurant full of nice people out to have a nice Valentine dinner. Then, just like Adam Sandler in "The Wedding Singer", you randomly jump on tables, stomp on the steak, knock over the champagne glasses, and sing (or scream - it's your choice) along to this angst-ridden anthem. Utterly romantic!

4. Every Breath You Take by The Police

I'd recommend this song to those sickos who'd like to get into the business of stalking someone. I mean, listen to the lyrics, man: "Every move you make, every step you take, I'll be watching you". Sounds like the perfect Valentine dinner song for your average CIA guy and his lady.

5. Skyline Pigeon by Elton John

Just the perfect tune to have in the background for married people who'd like to broach the idea of getting divorced over a nice Valentine dinner. Guys, be sure to wear a bulletproof vest. Ladies, make sure you already hired a huge bodyguard to beat the shit out of your no-good husband if he tries anything funny.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Can't think of anything else at this point. I'm too busy worrying about my friends who're sweating bullets right now thinking of what "magical" thing to do for their partners on Valentine's Day. Me? Let's just say I got it all covered. Hah!